


Nothing Left to Grieve

by IreneSpring



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breakup, End of Relationship, F/M, Post-Canon, This fic does NOT ship them, This is what I warned about in my bio, Unhealthy Relationships, songfic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 05:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21314788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IreneSpring/pseuds/IreneSpring
Summary: “I’ll idealize, then realize that it’s no sacrifice because the price is paid, and there’s nothing left to grieve” - Fiona Apple, “Get Gone"Rated T for cursing and a very unhealthy relationship.
Relationships: Danny Concannon/C. J. Cregg
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Nothing Left to Grieve

**Author's Note:**

> I do not ship C.J. and Danny. I only tagged this with their relationship because technically it is about their relationship. A very short summary of my view is that Danny constantly insults C.J. and then often plays the victim, forcing her to apologize to him for his bad behavior, while also taking advantage of her loneliness to make her stay with him, leading to an incredibly unhealthy relationship with a high risk of emotional abuse. I anticipate my characterization of Danny might need some explaining/evidence, which I can provide upon request. If you are at all curious as to alternate viewpoints on this ship, feel free to read on. If C.J./Danny is your favorite ship and you really hate the idea of them being any less than perfect and/or breaking up, I discourage you from reading this. If you do, I am no longer liable for your anger. You were warned.

C.J. knows that the majority of her friends will think she’s an idiot. They’ll stand by her, they’ll still care about her, her mental health has improved enough to acknowledge that. They’ll still invite her to dinner, but they will never agree with her. They’ll do all those awkward things that people do: they’ll try not to talk about their own happiness, they’ll whisper his name if she’s in the room, if they put on a song about a breakup they’ll check every twenty seconds to see if she’s crying. The idea of it makes her want to vomit. But she doesn’t rethink her decision. That phase is over.

She sits on her bed and looks out at the California sun, wondering whether it will be her or Danny to leave the state. She hopes it will be Danny, she likes it here. Not here as in her apartment, which is already too close to Danny’s and she can still hear their arguments about when she will move in with him in the creak of the doors. Here means California, the sun, the distance from the White House. Perhaps California is so large that neither of them have to leave. Or maybe Danny will start doing freelance work like he’d talked about, and go to another country and she’d never have to see him again. There were days a few months ago when the thought of never seeing him again caused her panic. It doesn’t anymore.

_ “So it looks like Santos is going to make a move on education,” C.J. says on one of their first nights in California, because she’s trying to be conversational, because Danny told her to. _

_ “Good, hopefully he can get something done about it, it’s about time someone does,” Danny says back, and C.J. feels herself getting defensive. She takes a few deep breaths and responds. _

_ “President Bartlet did make a move on education, towards the end of the election, if you recall,” she says amiably. _

_ “Yeah, but it doesn’t count as action when the Republicans drop it on your doorstep. Sorry babe.” And then he leans over to kiss her, and she accepts it, because he’s right. They go back to their dinner, and end up on the couch. Danny flips through TV channels to find a movie but C.J. is still wracking her memory for anything the President had done on education. _

_ “What about making tuition tax deductible?” she asked triumphantly. _

_ “What?” _

_ “President Bartlet got the Republicans to make college tuition tax deductible. He did that. So before you diss our administration remember he actually did something.” _

_ “Congratulations.” _

_ “Danny!” _

_ “C.J., sweetheart, I was done with that conversation a half hour ago. First lesson: learn to let things go,” he says the last part with a smile and she tries to smile back.  _

C.J. is conflicted about their new fish. She likes the fish, so on a basic level she wants to fight Danny for it. On another level, she wants to take it just for the fight with Danny. Just so for once in their damn relationship  _ she  _ can yell at  _ him _ . On a vindictive level, she wants to leave the fish just so Danny will look at it and think about her. But more than anything she doesn’t want Danny thinking about her anymore, so she decides she will take the fish.

She checks to make sure all of her phones work and that she has pepper spray in the bowl drawer. She doesn’t think she’s in danger, not really, but she’s never broken up with someone who followed her for eight years. She’s never broken up with someone who tried to turn her into his little project and almost succeeded. She doesn’t know how entitled to her he feels, and even if she doesn’t expect a  _ physical  _ fight, it never hurts to be prepared.

_ “C.J., come over here!” She flinches slightly when she hears her name because she knows she did Something Wrong. She never knows what it will be, only that it’s a result of her complete inability to handle relationships. Two days ago, it was that she had sent out her own holiday card that only had one picture of him. The day before that it had been that she had finished unpacking without talking to him about when they would move in together. _

_ “What?” she says, trying her very best to keep exasperation out of her voice. _

_ “You booked dinner with Josh on Friday, why didn’t you tell me?” _

_ “Why would I tell you? I knew I was seeing you now and figured you’d see it.” _

_ “Okay, well, Lesson 7: tell me about dinner plans before you make them. I’m just a little miffed that you clearly forgot to consider whether I had already made plans, is all.” _

_ “Shouldn’t you have to check dinner plans with me?” _

_ “I’m not the one taking any excuse to avoid my significant other,” he responds with slight resentment. But she isn’t willing to admit culpability yet, especially if the rules don’t apply to him. And the whole “lesson” thing feels demeaning. _

_ “You remember how Lesson 4 was to speak candidly?” she asks, an edge creeping into her voice. _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Well the whole ‘lesson’ concept stopped being fun for me a while ago,” she said bluntly. _

_ “Where did this aggression come from?” he asks. “You know, C.J., eventually you have to stop fighting  _ against _ us and start fighting  _ for _ us. I feel like I’m fighting a battle for two over here.” Then he leans forward to kiss her, and she stands there. “You know it will never get better than this.” She stands there until he beckons, taking in the words.  _ It will never get better than this.  _ And she believes him, because he’s the only person she has. He’s the only person willing to put up with her. So he has to be the best.  _

He rings the doorbell and she sighs, taking a few deep breaths and preparing for what might be one of their last conversations.

“Hi,” he says when she opens the door, leaning in for a kiss. She backs away. “C.J., are you okay?”

“We’re splitting up.” There’s nothing else to say, and she’s always hated small talk.

“Sure thing,” he says with a joking smile. “I’ll just bop on off to Turkey and send you a postcard when I get married.”

“Do whatever you want,” she says, handing him a box she’s already stuffed with his clothes.

“You’re not serious,” he says, taking the box.

“I’m keeping the fish.”

“C.J., you are not serious. You just aren’t.”

“Yes, I am. You have two minutes to speak your piece.”

“We haven’t talked about this.”

“We don’t need to. I’m not spending another night listening to all the ways I’m inadequate.”

“Well you’re not perfect right now, but eventually-”

“But eventually what? I’ll be the perfect wife and I’ll share everything with you and let you decide dinner plans and kiss your feet when you walk into the room?”

“You know I never wanted that!” Danny says, voice beginning to rise.

“Then I honestly have no idea what the fuck you want!” C.J. yells. 

_ C.J. is at one of those nice galas that sometimes she needs to go to for her job, and Danny is there too, because he probably would have yelled at her if she hadn’t invited him.  _

_ “I met this man who is developing a vaccine for HIV,” Danny tells her, and she nods with a genuine interest.  _

_ “Yeah? How’s it going?” She’s relieved when this happens, when conversations come naturally. _

_ “He says it’s going well. They’ve had some positive lab tests.” _

_ “Well that would be amazing,” she says smiling. “Honestly sometimes I think the world is going to shit and then I hear something like that.”  _

_ “Yeah, it’s incredible,” Danny agrees, and then pauses. “Roads are nice too,” he says a little dismissively. C.J. tenses up. _

_ “You don’t think what I do is important?” she asks, and she tries to shield the pain in her voice because this isn’t the first of these comments he’s made, and she honestly needs to know, without him dismissing her as being whiny. _

_ “I mean in comparison to an HIV vaccine…” _

_ “How is the guy you met supposed to transport the vaccine to those who need it without roads?” she demands. _

_ “All I’m trying to say is that when you said you were going to go save the world I pictured different things.” _

_ “I don’t understand why you needed to say it at all,” C.J. remarks.  _

_ “Sometimes you need a little push before you do anything useful,” Danny says. “We both know it.” And she didn’t get mad, because he is right.  _

_ She waits until he’s fallen asleep to cry because she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing that he affects her. She wants to be angry at him, but she can’t be. He is a good man, she is just useless. She thought she could change things but she can’t. She picks the wrong adventures and then she stands there. Her therapist tried to tell her otherwise, but it’s her therapist’s job to say that. Danny cares about her more than anyone else. And Danny is the only person who will tell her the truth about how she’s doing. She can’t get anything worthwhile done. He tried to warn her on their first date.  _

_ The next morning she wakes up to find Danny has made breakfast.  _

_ “I’m so good to you,” he tells her with a smile as he slides a pancake onto her plate. If her eye twitches, it’s only for a moment.  _

“What the hell are you talking about?” Danny demands.

“When I was Press Secretary you said I was an amateur whenever you weren’t pursuing me, when I was Chief of Staff you said I was useless when you weren’t pursuing me, and even here I’m just ‘far behind’ and perpetually ‘in training’ like some kind of ill-behaved dog. You have  _ never _ , not once in our entire relationship, ever shown that you liked me as a person. The only thing you’ve ever liked is some imaginary version of ‘C.J.’ that I will in theory become some magical day in the future.”

“I’ve always supported you!” Danny protests.

“You’ve supported me once,” C.J. counters, remembering that day two weeks before President Santos’ inauguration, when he had the apparently revolutionary idea of asking her what she wanted. It was a nice memory, one that she will hold onto when she tries to convince herself that she wasn’t just with him because he gave her an escape from the White House or because she had been very lonely. 

“I told you I would be Mr. C.J. Cregg, I encouraged you to do what you wanted! Meanwhile you suggested I take a job I didn’t want so we could be together!”

“First of all, one of those events was six months ago and the other was seven years ago, second of all, I respected your wishes immediately, and third of all, I’m suggesting we separate! You’re making my argument!”

“Always about winning an argument with you!”

“Fine. Let’s stop arguing. Take your fucking box and leave,” C.J. says. 

“I’m not doing that.”

“I’m not asking, I’m telling you. I’m done.”

“I’m not leaving until we work this out.”

“Then I’m calling the police.”

_ The first time she actually considers leaving is when she first has dinner with Danny’s sister, Madeleine. They were talking about something she can’t remember. The first thing that pops into her mind from that night was Danny’s arm around her shoulders. _

_ “C.J. wants to save the world by building roads,” Danny tells Madeleine, and C.J. registers annoyance but just smiles.  _

_ “Really, and that will work?” Madeleine asks, seeming interested.  _

_ “It better, seeing as we’ve known each other for nine years and aren’t living together,” Danny says seriously.  _

_ “We’ve been dating for less than a year!” C.J. protests, mostly playfully.  _

_ “Yes, but I’m getting older over here. You sure do take your sweet time,” Danny says pointedly, with the beginnings of a glare.  _

_ “Well, there are still things I’m still figuring out,” she admits, surprising herself. _

_ “The best ones take time, Danny,” Madeleine says, clearing her throat. _

_ “Well this one still needs some practice at being a partner,” Danny says lightly, squeezing C.J.’s shoulder. She turns red from embarrassment and something in the back of her mind wants to break Danny’s nose.  _

_ “Oh, C.J., why do you stay with him?” Madeleine laughs uncomfortably. Clearly it’s a joke, but it gives C.J. pause. “Please don’t tell me it’s the ‘getting older’ issue, I know loads of people in their sixties getting married for the first time.” _

_ “He’s the only person I have left. He’s my only option,” she blurts out. The room is quiet for a second, and then Danny starts laughing, and Madeleine joins in, but for a split second C.J. sees pity in her eyes. And then something in C.J. breaks. _

_ For a moment she almost has an out-of-body experience. She sees herself as other people see her. She sees herself following Danny around like a puppy dog because he told her to. She sees herself flinching at every passive aggressive comment he makes and changing herself to fit his will. She sees herself taking insult after insult without a word of objection. She barely recognizes herself. Wasn’t she C.J. Cregg, unstoppable badass and feminist extraordinaire? _

_ It occurs to her that she isn’t  _ physically  _ trapped. What would happen if she left right now? Walked out of this restaurant, went home, and changed her locks. Would she feel worse? Danny had always told her she would feel worse, but what would  _ worse _ even feel like? It occurs to her that she would be free.  _

“We both know you would never call the police.”

“Desperate me wouldn’t, but pissed off me would,” C.J. corrects. 

“You were never desperate.”

“Yes I was, and don’t even try to tell me otherwise. You used it. You used my fear of running out of time, my insecurities, my loneliness, and you trapped me. You saddled me with your expectations and claimed that you loved me because you knew I wanted to hear it, just so I wouldn’t notice when you insulted me. What was your plan? Break me down completely and then build yourself a whole new C.J.? I’ll get you a cardboard cutout. Should work just as well.”

“I can’t believe you’d even say that to me. Do you know how  _ nice _ I’ve been to you? All the shit I put up with? All the insomnia, the lack of trust, the forced conversations? You were, are sometimes, effectively useless! No matter what I try, you stay  _ useless _ !”

“Then leave. Go! If I make you as miserable as you make me, if I make you question your worth as a human being as much as you make me question mine, then you deserve better. You truly do. You always told me that I had to choose to have a relationship or not. I choose ‘not.’”

_ She makes her final decision very anti-climatically. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie, and he turns to her. _

_ “I love you,” he tells her. It isn’t the first time. They’ve had some truly good moments, she thinks.  _

_ “I love you, too,” she responds immediately, because she has to say it or he’ll get mad. He keeps watching the movie intently but she doesn’t pay attention. She feels guilty. It’s a feeling she hates more than any other. She’s not sure why she feels guilty, so she analyzes her thoughts over and over again even as Danny kisses her head. It’s not until they’re in bed that she realizes it: she lied to him. She lied to him when she said she loved him. She doesn’t. She doesn’t know what she feels, but she knows it isn’t love. Need, maybe? Maybe she’s grateful that he gave her an excuse to leave D.C. Maybe she loved him at some point; when they were walking on the beach, when they picked out their fish. Or maybe she never loved him at all. Maybe all of it was the fear of being alone.  _

_ She watches him sleep next to her and feels a sad sort of peace. She’s done. She’s onto his game, so to speak, and there’s no turning back. She tries to talk herself out of it. She tells herself all the things he’s drilled into her head: that she’s just scared, that she would be even worse than she is now without him, that it will get better, that this is her only option, that Danny is a great man. She even replays every good memory she can think of. None of it works. All she can think about is how much she will not miss him.  _

Danny finally slumps in defeat. “Okay then,” he says weakly. She feels guilty for a split second. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone, she just needs to get out. “I love you, you know? You’re turning away someone who loves you.”

“I know you think you do.”

“So, that’s it? Eight years, and we’re just… done?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“You feel nothing? Nothing? I pursued you for eight years and you feel nothing about me?”

“I don’t know what you want to hear.”

“Then tell me the truth.”

“That hasn’t worked out for me in the past,” C.J. says. 

“Well the worst thing I can do is leave you,” Danny says, looking around the room.

“Yes, you threatened it several times.”

“I never meant it. C.J., I love you.”

“I just… I don’t care anymore, Danny. I can’t. There comes a point where one just can’t take the constant torment. The constant voice saying that who you are now is inadequate and you can never do anything right, especially when that voice is your boyfriend. I just can’t take it.” C.J. says, closing her eyes.

“You know, I was constantly worried you would do this.”

“Then you shouldn’t have insulted me at every given opportunity.”

“It was the truth.”

“Goodbye, Danny,” she says, finally squashing the voice in her head that said he was right at every turn.

“Goodbye, C.J.” With that, he finally leaves her apartment. C.J. stands there for a moment, looking at where he once stood. She expected to feel sadness. She had convinced herself she loved Danny for a period of time. She must have spent the last six months working at  _ something _ worthwhile. But Danny had always said she spent time on worthless things. She feels lighter as she goes about the rest of her day. She runs, she feeds her fish, she calls her friends. They react as she suspected. Donna cries in disappointment, Toby implies that she made a mistake, Josh seems concerned for Danny. But it doesn’t matter. She was right, at the dinner with Madeleine.

She is free. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
